Nov.17.2014 / Wonder....

It`s now 1.25 AM and the clock is ticking near me, and i`m sitting right here in front of the computer. It`s not day off anymore, not sunday. Now is already monday, i guess..

Been so bussssssssssy lately...fiuh T.T, that i haven`t made the continuation of my last red tour 2014 trip or my japan trip as i promised i would do in my last post before.. Well.... 

And now just found myself stumbled accross my abandoned blog again and kinda having some urge to write down my random thoughts and wonder right now.

You know, they said that once you finished up your whole obligatory education level (as it is min 12 years of study), that`s the moment that you`d feel yourself lost of what to do next. And that`s exactly what`s happening to me right now.

I don`t know, i`m just so fed-up with my life recently and feel like i've been living a boring, clueless life. Maybe it`s a normal phase for every fresh-graduate would experience. Hmmm... After you finished your education and already earned your finally-awaited-bachelor-degree, yeah. Now what should you do after this? Okay. Some of you might say, find a proper job based on your degree and working. Or, you might continue your education to get master degree, or maybe just helping with your parent's business or maybe just get married? lol.

When i start entering work life, i started to lose direction. I don`t have any target like some of my friends, like, "oohh, i must work at that company" or "i will/must be this", or "i will go there/take it as my major to continue my education to get master degree." or like "i will be going to .... afterwards to take language school" Well... I just don`t have any proper plan of what should i do after i graduated like that and i`ve been just going with the flow all this time, i guess. Like, of course, naturally, (like most of my friends, too), after you graduated, say, if you don`t have any other plan of what would you do after, you must seek for a job, right?

Okay, in my case is, i already have a job right now. But! I feel like i`m just living my daily life in boredom. It's just, i`m not satisfied with what i am, what i have, with the life i`ve been living right now. I don`t have any imagination or any clear vision of what will i be in like, next-five-year-term? Or what could i achieve from this job for my future as i couldn`t even imagine myself could stand working in this place for a long-term basis. haha!

*Oh yeah, as some of you might or might not know, i`m not working as an auditor anymore since last May 2014. As per now, i have been working at wallstreet, where i took my english course, not as a teacher though coz i`m not good at teaching as i`m very impatient to slow people and not that confident myself to be able to teach as i`m still learning here lol, but as a Educational Consultant. 

Yeah, "consultant". Does it sound cool to you? Believe me, it's not. lol........Well, for me, the salary is pretty fair compared to my previous job and what proud me most is i could earn much more here than most of other fresh-graduates friends from the same university and major. And what i like most about this job is the location! It is near from my house (very important), it only takes a 10-minute-ride which makes me really happy as i`m not a fan of Jakarta's traffic jam. The shift here is mostly afternoon shift that makes me more grateful cause i`m so-not a morning person :P 

But yeah, could a job be these gooood? of course nope, because if it was, no one would take a risk to be a businessman and just be a worker instead. haha. There's always a trade-off for that. Like, you CAN`T get day off on saturday and you only can take 1 sunday-off per month!!! Even my sister said something like, "Hi, sis. I feel like i haven`t seen you in a long time." ... oh,okay. And! You will always, always be pressured with high amount of target EACH MONTH! Like, that`s the consequences of the work you choose and say bye bye weekend and bye-bye social life! See ya!*

Yeah i know, you should be grateful, at least you get a job. At least you already got your bachelor degree. Many people want to go to school but they can`t because they are poor.  Many people is unemployed. Many people want to work but they just can`t or don`t get the job. yea i know i know...... Enough said!

I spent most of my time working at the office (like, of course) and sometimes if the time is matched, i could go hang out with friends at mall or just chit chatting at a restaurant, or watching movies and also spent it with my family and go to the temple. Yeah i could get a pretty high amount of money each month, but just that. I don`t feel vibrant, i have no whatsoever future purpose of this job, with no passion, and nothing new going on, which concludes it all into one word : "bored"

*feels like this verse of Demi Lovato's song titled BELIEVE IN ME really caught my condition right now :')

I'm losing myself
Trying to compete
With everyone else
Instead of just being me
Don't know where to turn
I've been stuck in this routine
I need to change my ways
Instead of always being weak

It's like, i don`t have any clear target for the future anymore like what i did in school life. Like when i first entered college life back then, i already imagined and have a target along those years to study well, so i could graduate as soon as possible, as it is 3,5 years for my major. And yeah i did that. 

Well, maybe when you are still in school days, your responsibility is just only to study well, and earn a bachelor degree (whatever it is) to make your parents proud and happy. And that`s that. You don`t need to think further than that for your future or maybe, just haven`t yet. :)

Or maybe if i wanted to trace it back to the beginning of my just-going-with-the-flow-personality, maaaybe my mistake was choosing accounting as my major for my bachelor degree! lol!

Just remembered back then, when i was in my third year of high school when you had to prepare for university test and also decide which university and what major you would take. Honestly i didn`t have any real preference. I was thinking to take japanese literature at first when my dad and people around me keep saying something like, "what job will you get if you study that?" and yeah that thought just went away. And well, yeah i chose accounting because i took social major and most of my friends chose accounting or management and since i`m not interested in science or to be a doctor, architect or something like that, and i don`t mind with accounting subject at school, i mean i`m fine with studying accounting and well............................guess you can`t turn back time, right? haha! But i really don`t have any regret about choosing that major and uni as i find many friends, and few of them become my best friends for life. :)

That is, the thoughts of going out of this country and living abroad comes. I wanna seek more color to my life and get some experience while i was still young (?) :P

Got some thoughts randomly about going to Japan to take a language course there and looking for a proper job there after. (as i love japan so much, you can tell from many of my late post on this blog)

But another worry comes from my dad and a lot of people around me

(will continue tomorrow or later for sure, its already 2.40 AM and i`m so sleepy my eyes can barely stay opened. feel dizzy.. i have a lot of work to do tomorrow)