Jan.03.2010 Just wanna share my feelings

I hate my mom. I hate her so much. God, i know i shouldnt have ever said that. But, however, i just cant stand her anymore. This is my deepest feelings and im sad because of that.

My mom never cared for our (me and my bro and sis) fate. She only cared about herself and her importance. She think that she has a mission to accomplish and because we are buddhist, she is so diligent to pray. She cared about global warming, she cared about poverty, she cared about doomsday that maybe will happen, but not about us, her children. Not about her husband too.

She doesnt care about our study, how was our score, how was our day at school, etc. I rarely speak with her because sometimes when i talked to her, called her name many times, she ignored me. One time, i even asked her where she was from because she went back at very night. But she replied me, rather harsh, "its none of your business."


...

She even a little bit crazy, i think. My latest bro, named Maxwell is threatened to be stay in his grade because his score is bad and he is naughty. His teacher is having trouble faced him. And so, one day, his teacher called my parents, either my mom or dad must come see her to talk about Maxwell`s grade.

My dad must attend an important meeting, so my mom go. Maxwell`s teacher told my mom that Maxwell should fixed her score if he want to passed to a higher grade. Do you know what my mom said as a reply???
"Dont worry, miss. That means Maxwell is still wanna meet you next year", while laughing.

IS SHE OUT OF HER MIND? At a time like this, as a good parents, my mom is supposed to say, "Oh yeah, i will advised Maxwell later. Thanks for your attention."
or something like that. BUT THIS?? It really means that she doesnt care if we passed our grade or not. As i said before, she only cared about her importance.

I realized this feelings named hatred is grown more and more over inside my heart.
I dont have a figure of a mom. I preferred my mom are my maids who cared about me, cook for me, accompany me while i am eating alone, laugh with me, help me with my art work like sewing and making clay, listen to me when i have problems, etc.

Although they are only a maid, but i dont underestimate them because they do their role like they are my mother. And so do my siblings.

My mom is strange and maybe i`ve never liked her way. She often makes my dad worry because she likes to go without saying and go back at very night, even she stayed in other place wothout tell my dad. She like do things on her own without cared for other people.
As a wife, that actions is supposed to be very wrong.

She want to work and collect money for herself. My dad have offered her to help him work at the store but my mom refused it. She chose to work with her own way, that of course, not do any good.

She sometimes cook, yeah, cook. but not for us. But for being sold. But, her food is not really tasty and so, it didnt sold so much and do you know what happen to the remain food?
Its dumped to the rubbish bin. It happened many times and my maids become the witness.

Food like eggs and chicken nuggets is becoming so fast to running out because of her job. My dad has told her to stop doing that because it has no advantage. But, she never listened to my dad and keep doing things on her own.

And the other job that she does is sell cracker in the street, in the mall, (even her crackers is ever confiscated by the guard because she sold in mall without permission) like poor people. But it finally ends when her cracker isn`t sold too much, and she distribute it to her friends, to people, etc.

Doesnt all of her activity is a waste of time and of course, money??!

Although she kept saying that she want to be independent, collect money by herself, but she still keep asked for money to my father.

Actually, (not mean to being arrogant), i think without my mom do job like that, our dad`s job is still enough and still be able to support our`s life, to feed us all.

God said that men should work to support his family. So, my dad is doing his role. But women is suppossed to raise her children and care for her children. Women is allowed to work if the husband`s income doesnt enough. Or maybe she want to work to kill time. But not abandoned her child.

She likes to help people in need, yeah other people, not her child who is in need. She likes contribute things, money, food, etc.

Being generous is kind. I dont say its bad. But dont be too much. She is exaggerating. Her clothes, her shoes etc that is still new and good, is being donated to other people, even a few of our clothes or shoes.
But do you know what she wear? Yeah, her old, torned clothes.
.......

I often advised her slowly and calmly about her behavior. But what did i get? her babble.
Even her babble stray anywhere to many topics like;
"our family have mistaken. We will forced to the hell if we dont change. You are bad like your dad and your grandma. Like them, you always tell me what to do. Im sick of it. Im human too and i have heart..." bla bla bla
It seems first there is only a simple problem and develop till like this.
Yeah mom, i am a human too and i have heart too..

Its no use told my mom what to do because she will never believed other people and believe she is the best.

And she seems hate me, my dad and my grand ma. Because im the first child in my family, i can look what is good and what is bad. I often advised my mom. Same like my dad and my grandma.
I often opposed my mom.

But it make her discriminate me.

She has left me away all alone in home only with my maids while my father working when all my brothers and sister is taken to the swimming pool. Im not invited.
Once, she divided those three (my two brothers and one sister) a necklace carved a buddha statue, im not divided. And she do it in front of me!!! When one of my bro asked why i dont get it too, my mom only keep silent, dont say a thing. Dont you can feel how was my feeling that time?

Its not i like those necklace. Besides, i have wore a cute necklace too as my favorite.
I cried because i dont like being treated like that as im a foster child. My heart is broken away and a heart which is broken is not easy to fixed away. And it makes me hate you even more, mom.

Why does people who like to pray, even everyday and anytime differentiate her children?

***
My dad is very-very different from my mom. He cared us so much, and when i and my brothers and sister go on a vacation that for some time we cant meet him, he texted me and asked whether we are fine or not, are we eat well, etc. He also phoned to talk with everyone. He also give us pocket money, maybe there is something to buy.

He also doesnt, never differentiate us. He loved us all. If he bought us food, he will bought it for all of us. Not for only one or two children. If he give money, he will give to all of us.

NOT LIKE MOM. She doesnt even care about our departure, keep ignored us. She doesnt call us. Even on our departure day, she isnt at home, so she doesnt know when and where we go.
She doesnt give us pocket money.

I think my dad`s the most patient man i`ve ever meet. He can stand to my mom`s behavior and keep faithful with her, not has an affair with any other girl. He go and come home on time.

I have been thinking, my dad is still handsome and my maids also said that my dad is attracting many women.

My maid said when my dad come to my brother`s school for take his school report, one of my maid`s friend who saw him said, "woa.. that is Mario (name of my brother)`s father? He is pretty handsome and looks modest."

But he is still faithful to mom. I think if he want, he could going out with other woman that is better than mom.

Once, i (naughty) asked my dad when my dad is advised us, his children, not to act like mom when we are adult.
"Dad, why dont you divorced with mom?"
My dad said mumbling, "No, if i divorced, how is the sake of the children?"
....
He is so kind ^^;
Pay attention to his children`s destiny. I admire him so much. But actually, i`d rather hope that dad is really divorced with mom. I think i`ll be happier than being like this. If that really happened, i, without doubt anymore will chose follow dad.

I have ever dreamt of running away to a far-far away place to be away from my mom and i hope she will find me and then love me but i know that wouldnt happen, impossible in a million years.

Therefore, i will keep studing hard and be a good people that wont disappointed you, dad. I do it for you, not for mom.
.....................................................................................................

My mom is bad, i dont like her. But it doesnt mean that im better than her.
No.
Im just a normal human who have mistake and do many sin.
I, do have many bad behavior that needs to be change.

I just writing this because i cant stand of your behavior.
And this writing is all of my deepest feelings about mom.

Maybe this is too childish.
Im still a child after all, only an 16 years old girl who need cared, attention and love from a mom.

Behind all the hatred that have grown to in my heart to my mom, i realize and i can neglect that in my heart of hearts, in the deepest of my heart, i love her.