Nov 8, 2015 / I`m just tired of being good

Hi blog! Long time no write here! Fiuuuh. Time flies so fast and It's already my 4 months living in Japan. And although actually I`ve been wanting to write some stories which were there on my mind for these few weeks, but I can`t help being lazy :P (like, always.) Plus, I rarely use my laptop here. And I`m not the type of people who really like watching youtube, tv series, korean drama, (anything) in laptop so mobile phone is perfectly enough for me. I REALLY SHUD DO anime-watching program to beef up my Japanese, tho. Already did it momentarily and then procrastinated a bit, and I haven`t continued again ever since T_T_ 

Will really blog about my life in this country, but let's do this some other time. Cause' right now I`m just having urge to just write about some rants that I have been feeling all this time but I just couldn`t tell anybody because I just don`t know where to start, and who would listen and understand. So yeah, better keep it to myself and why not write here as well as it could help my kind of abandoned english now. (I`m not as far as pretty good in Japanese myself, but because I heard Japanese all the time every day, like in school, in public transportation, in supermarket, everywhere, it takes me time to phrase up even some simple, daily phrases to english now, as it would automatically translated into japanese in my brain LOL.)

Well, as the title I put to this post, that's what's I`ve been feeling recently. Like, I'm really tired of pretending, of being good and nice all the time. I admit myself that I`m a bit of people-pleaser. Even when someone did something that annoys me or I was put in a boring situation (say, it isn`t your interest, so it would drive your mood away) or in a bad, fucked-up situation, I`d usually try to put up with it first (if I still could) and do much favor to others to please them and appreciate their feelings even tho sometimes the truth is, deep inside I`m annoyed like, I don`t really like what you did to me just now, but I wouldn`t say anything and let it pass, and it wouldn`t even really shown in my face (if I felt it's still tolerable somehow, especially towards the people I`m not really super-close with). But after that feeling annoyed myself in my room, and saying things to myself like, Oh God, why must you said that to me, why would you do that, what have I done wrong to you, I hate you. Huffffffftttttttt. Or to the event that when someone asks me to help with something that I didn`t like, or invite me to go somewhere/ do something when I`m not in the mood to go, or I just don`t like going out with you, like, I don`t want to do it, I`m lazy right now, I`m bored, I don`t like it, I just want to spend time alone with myself right now, but then I`d feel bad If I said no to ignore your requests as I felt it would reject you/ hurt your feelings so on most event I`d probably just say yes and get along and later on regretting my decision. 

So, this recent quote I found lately in my social media really fits it perfectly.

"I may look calm, but in my head, I`ve punched you in the face 3 times." LOL.

I know it's no good because I`m the type of person who choose not to, and just couldn`t express my clear emotions clearly. Added to the fact that I`m also a highly super sensitive people where some little things/ words you say that may seem trivial or not matters much to you, may just hurt me, without you even realize it cause' I'd never show it in front of you. I'd always hold back my feelings in front of others when the fact is I`m also angry, I don`t like it, I hate it. So, sometimes I feel some kind of admiration and jealousy towards other people who could clearly speak up their mind, when it is easier to predict if they don`t like something as it would be apparent in their face right off the bat without them having to worry about other's feelings or being hated so much afterwards. But well, I couldn`t just be like that. I don`t have the courage to do that, and it is just., not me. In terms of friendship, I`m just fitting in with what the society expects me to do. :)

Even so, it is super tiring loh to be *"gak enakan" person. (*in Indonesian, becacuse I just couldn`t find the proper words in english to describe this situation). It is even tiring when you tried so hard and making effort to protect other's feelings when the other party seem to take it for granted and doesn`t do the same.

An actual relationship from friendship to romantic relationship would later be proved into real actions, what you really do to maintain the relationship, not just from mere words, as saying things like, I love you, you are my best friend, I care about you are SUPER EASY. Who couldn`t say that? But at the end of the day, what really matters are real action because the hardest part of it all is making your words into reality. In my opinion, any good friendship would feel true, not just from compatibility you both had when you talk to each other when things are good in life, or when you have fun together but also with cares inside when you bump into troubles or when you are put up in a bad situation. That`s where it will be tested. Would you be able to help them? Or at least are willing to listen to their stories and make an effort to help? Because sometimes people doesn`t need advice, they are in need of someone who wants to listen. I think that`s when you will truly know who is your real friend. Will they be a friend to you only when you are up and be like a stranger once you got fucked up that their names didn`t even cross your mind because you yourself know you couldn`t count on/rely on them when you're down? :)

And a sign of healty friendship could be seen when both parties have same portion of being a listener and a speaker, when both are willing to listen, not the other way around. Cause' naturally, people would tend to prefer speak much, particularly about themselves, rather than sit and just listen about others. That's why people do war. That's why people are fighting. Because both parties don`t want to listen to other's opinion and point of view and feel as if they were the most right and important human being in the world. LOL.

I feel myself that I`ve been having an unhealthy friendship, which is draining my energy, little by little. At first, it was fun and all. We have a great time when we are hanging out, I feel like our vibes are connected. Nice conversations and all. I do like her energy and spirit, her carefree manner, doesn't-give-a-fuck nature. I do like her (as a friend obvsly), even until now. But as you are getting closer and closer, well, naturally you'd find layers and layers about them you hadn`t known before. And that's when your real friendship will be tested. Can you also accept it or not? That's the Q.

I am not going to keep this condition goes on or maybe what I really need is just a break temporarily, with this uncomfortable feeling I`ve been having and holding back for a while now and a super big question mark on my head if the other party really appreciate me like I appreciate her or if she really did mean all the things she said to me. And it's also like this, how could your friend could be reliable if they couldn`t do something as simple as the willingness to even listen?

It is hard to be said, even here. Where do I even start. Hmmm. To be honest, you may look like it as a bunch of random trivial matters, something that doesn`t need to be an issue/gossip of the month. But you know, even small random things could piled up into something big. Like my feelings right now. At first, I would let it go, let it go, just let it go, calm down, how childish you are to be annoyed/angry just because of it, huffft, let it go, let it gooooooooooo arrrrgh, until the point that it happened again and again and againnnnnnnnnnn and adding up until I`m tired and angry with myself. How could you letting yourself be trapped in this. HAHA.

Actually, I always hoped myself , she would realize herself, that I`m hurt, I don`t like it, I`m annoyed without me have to say anything rather mean to her, later, if needed. But I guess it wouldn`t happen If I didn`t tell her directly? LOL. But it's hard because I`m not the type who are able to speak out my mind clearly, especially if I were going to say mean things. Cause' I just think it should be some kind of apparent now from my gestures and changes of mimic's face nowadays but yeah maybe it didn`t or she wasn`t that sensitive to catch or my sign was too soft? LOL. I don`t know.

Well, but that's it. I`m not willing to continue this kind of state even longer because if I forced myself to, sooner or later, things that I didn`t like that would annoyed me may happen again and I am the one who will be drained again and again, emotionally. Hufffft. 

Maybe I`ll just distance myself a bit from her for now. And when the time is right, I'd speak out my mind and find a way to make it... softer. Hope it'd turn out well.